WHAT'S UP WITH SNIFFING PEOPLE IN AWKWARD PLACES?

I could shake hands, but what's the point? Sniffing someone gives me way more information about who they are, where they've been, whether they have a dog, what'd they have for lunch, etc. And hey, it's not my fault that crotches are at my nose level.

IS HUMPING A WEIRD SEX THING?

I'm not going to lie, when the urge strikes, any leg will do. But it's not always a sexual thing. Sometimes I just have too much energy. Or maybe a health issue, like a UTI. Other times, I'm trying to show that I'm the alpha or just playing around. And yes, sometimes I'm just trying to get attention - is it working? Look, I'm humping your couch cushion RIGHT NOW.

WHEN YOU BARK, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

That Timmy's in the well - just kidding. Mostly I'm trying to say that I'm stressed, worried, or lonely. But when people hear barking, a lot of times they think I'm acting out. Then I get even more stressed and I bark more. What can I say, I have a lot of feelings and only one volume to express them at.

YOU LOVE HUGS DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU? WHO'S MY BABY?

Here's the thing. I love you so much, but hugs aren't always my favorite. The baby talk I can deal with but being held too tight can stress some of us dogs out. Belly rubs on the other hand are always a winner.

WHY DO YOU CHASE SQUIRRELS?

DID YOU SEE HOW FAST IT'S MOVING! LET'S GET IT, LET'S GET IT LET'-I'm sorry, what I meant to say is, I have this thing called "prey drive." I'm working on it. Until then, you should probably keep me on my leash.

WHY AREN'T YOU INTERESTED IN OTHER DOGS?

Come on, I've seen you play Candy Crush to avoid making conversation with people. Dogs can totally be introverts too, which means I'd just rather chill on my own than sniff some rando.

WHY DO YOU FREAK OUT WHEN STRANGERS SAY HI?

Because they show their teeth! That's what you do before you growl and bite someone. Not cool, man. Now can we go and get some treats?